The One about Anger

   It pains me to admit this to even myself but I have anger issues. Huge anger issues. 

 I grew up within an angry household. There was much arguing - terrible, explosive anger was exhibited that often came with little provocation but had been held in for so long long that when it did eventually reach the surface, man was it poisonous and vitriolic. I have witnessed fists and feet being kicked through doors, plates and ornaments flung across the room but the real cause of the harm I carried through life was the words said in anger. As a young child I took everything in and took them very personally. My mum telling me that "one day you will come home (from school) and I won't be here, you won't see me again", "no-one would miss me if I killed myself" etc. It still pains me to think about it. 

For many years I guess I haven't really had to think about how this display of anger affected me until quite recently. 

   My daughter does not only mean the world to me but she is my whole world. She is like me in more ways than one; 

She looks like me, brown hair, dark, eyes, long face

She already shows a great passion for books and reading

She's very strong willed

Fiercely Independent

   From birth she wanted to be held a lot and didn't like to be put down. Once I accepted this we enjoyed a great deal of physical contact and this has remained. From about seven weeks I managed to get her in such a good routine that she became a relatively easy baby, she slept through the night and had two decent sized naps during the day which meant that I did have time for the household chores and some time for 'me'.

  From the age of 18months she really started to develop a strong-willed personality, she already knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it. Getting dressed was always an issue, she spent one summer pratically in wellies and a nappy and I indulged her in this because it was ok with me for her to express herslef this way. The tantrums were gleefully short and easily distracted or diverted.

   Then she hit the real 'terrrible two's'. Oh my, if I thought those days of nappy and welly wearing were difficult then I sure was unprepared for the full on hysterical, unconsolable crying for up to an hour. The outright flinging herself on the floor in a rage. Then there is of course the fact that simply getting breakfast can result in an ongoing battle if the wrong colour bowl is chosen!

   I have had moments when I have felt overwhelmed. Today was one of those days. Controlling my anger is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. However, I recently sought help because I was afraid that my anger would spill out and damage the relationship I have with my daughter. It was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. I felt I had to do this because there had been a couple of occassions where I felt like I could very easily lose control - I shouted at my daughter in an aggressive manner and seeing the look of confusion, hurt and fear on her face was enough for me to want to change. I have to change - there are no if's and but's. 

   Today I did something in front of my daughter that I hadn't done before. Usually if she has a tantrum about something minor I can distract or turn a negative into a positive or use a distraction to move her away from the source of her frustration. Today was a day when she just seemed to whinge about everything and nothing. By tea time the reserves of my patience were wearing thin and I was feeling the little bubbles of anger rising ever closer to the surface. I just simply wanted to get on with the business of eating my tea. But little one wasn't finished, "I want a red cup" - get red cup, "no I want a blue cup", back to the cupboard for blue cup, "I want a straw" - got her a straw, sat down, just as I'm about to put the first mouthful of food in my mouth ... "no, I want blue straw" - launches into full crying. By which time my anger was about at spitting, vitriolic mad height. So I did this;

1. I closed my eyes

2. I counted to ten out loud very slowly and calmly  (half way through she stopped crying)

3. I put my hands together and bowed my head 

4. I prayed:

Dear Lord

   Remind me that I can learn to overcome every challenging situation today by putting on the shoes of peace and displaying an even temper. 

Remind me to show kindness.

Give me more ability to receive your love and give it away to others today.

Amen

   When I opened my eyes it was as though a small miracle had taken place. Bella just picked up her fork, tucked right into her dinner, was good humoured and the cup/straw frustration was no matter at all. I felt calm, I had just managed to spend a few moments in the glory of Christ and the anger had completely dissipated. Our tea time ended in harmony and there were no more issues for the rest of the evening.

   I know that I will have other moments when the anger rises again and this technique may not work so effecively next time. But for me it was definitely a step in the right direction towards learning to control those feelings.