Once upon a time there was a woman who waited what seemed her entire life to meet 'the one' she had always dreamed of. Life went on for a very long time, the woman began to travel in the hopes that she may have bumped into 'the one' whilst out and about on great adventures. Life was great. The woman had fun. Now and again she even forgot about looking for 'the one' and decided that she was rather happy on her own, ambling through life, doing whatever she pleased.
One day, at the most unlikliest of times, the woman finally did bump into 'the one' although she didn't know it at the time. Actually, things moved way too fast for this woman who wasn't sure whether she was ready - even though she had spent her whole life waiting for this moment. There were a few hiccups, emotionally the woman was just in a rather difficult time in her life but despite this she decided to go with this strange, unusual feelings of love, never experienced before and blew caution to the wind.
Quite unexpectedly woman ended up moving in with 'the one' within only three months of knowing him. Roll on another 10 months and woman was wearing a rather expensive diamond having been proposed to on a weekend in Paris. It was rather beautiful, surreal and absolutely wonderful.
Time ticked along for a good few years, woman started to get broody and yearned to cement the relationship by getting married. The yearning for children, which had beed suppressed for many years was just growing stronger and stronger. Everyday was hard because 'the one' became rather obsessed with pushing he woman to being a super-duper business woman which was not really her thing!
The wedding did take place and to cut a rather long story short there were the typical ups and downs within marriage but the downs became more and more frequent. 'The one' became sick and rejected the woman completely, he completely shut down from her. I can't tell you the amount of nights the woman cried and cried herself to sleep, not knowing how to help, not knowing what to say or do to make a difference. All thoughts of starting a family were put on hold again. Starting a family was beginning to feel like it was never going to happen and this filled the womans heart with a grief and pain that was so intense she thought she would prefer to not wake up in the morning and carry that burden all day.
For many, many months the woman tiptoed on egg-shells around the house she loved so much. 'The one' was a changed person, bitter, angry, mean and cruel. Woman felt like she could do nothing because this was all part of the illness and she was prepared to wait how ever long it took for him to get better.
Some of 'the one's' behaviour changed so much that woman became suspicious and felt that something was not right. Womans instincts proved correct and she found herself being faced with lots of lies and deceit and wrongfully blamed for the relationship having failed. There was another woman involved, but that too was my fault, 'the ones' illness was apparently my fault too!
Here is when I get to the crux of my blog title really so please, please hang on in there .... . 'The one' left the home but came back the next day to say how much he loved the woman and did not want to lose her. He said this but still moved out. There was again many ups and downs and sorry's said and blah de blahs, the woman was still being spun lots of tales that made her feel uneasy and anxious.
The woman came to accept that despite best intentions and trying to hang on for dear life the marriage could not be saved.
In some ways - the woman can not really explain this without sounding harsh - the marriage ending was a great relief, it was almost as though a monumental weight had been lifted. Don't get me wrong though there was still much hurt, and physical pain but none that compared to the earlier days when 'the one' had first become ill and the marriage was already under great strain.
It was very difficult at this time for the woman. She felt that not only had she lost her marriage and a man she loved, but with this came the loss of the family she though she would have one day with this man. The grief of this was often far too great to cope with. The woman was done wih crying for the man, but those babies she thought she may have had one day soon were gone, it was all a dream and nothing more. This made the woman feel like her heart was broken in two and that she would never recover from this pain. The woman felt that she would be better off ... gone. She climbed into the loft with bad intentions and cried like she had never cried before, overwhelming tears of grief and sadness.
Through the sadness, sitting all alone in a dark loft the woman felt a breath of stillness and calmed. Right there, in that sadness the woman felt an overwhelming presence. She felt like God was right there in that loft with her, with his arms around her, gently unburderning her - taking some of that pain. An image began to form in the womans head, it was a picture of a little girl, with dark hair, in pig-tails - she was holding hands with a man. No word of a lie - (and the woman had not been drinking or under illicit drug use, the woman has never ever in her life even smoked a cigarette) the woman heard God tell her that he had a little girl that was "waiting to come to you", the voice was very clear "she's here" he told her "she's ready for you". That day the woman knew what she must do, She decided that she simply had to take a huge leap of faith. She decided to trust in the Lord with her whole heart. She climbed down from that loft a changed person. God had saved her.
Without getting into too many specifics. I will leave it to you to theorise for yourselves. That was January 2012. In April of that year the woman, became the happiest woman in the entire universe - she wanted to shout, no scream out loud because at the age of 40 she had conceived a baby.
All through pregnancy the woman radiated peace and inner calm, pure joy and happiness. She was of course a little anxious about the conscious decision to have a child and to raise the child without a father. But she knew in her heart that God would help her find a way to rise above these challenges with faith, hope and love.
All through pregnancy the woman referred to her little bundle as Jelly Bean (JB for short). Every night she sang to the growing baby, imagining holding the child, gazing lovingly into the eyes of a child born of her flesh and blood. Every day felt like a miracle. Every day was joyous and every day the woman took the time to thank God for this amazing opportunity and experience to finally have the very thing the woman had dreamed of her whole entire life. A child. Motherhood.
Baby Bella was born in early January 2013. Woman was overwhelmed with happiness and also fear and worry at this tiny being that was placed in her arms. From the very first moment there was no doubt that she was mine.
These are the things I know to be true:
1. I had a personal experience with God that changed me
2. I was saved
3. I took a leap of faith.
Her name is Bella and she is the greatest thing I have ever created. Our journey began xx
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