The One about Anger

   It pains me to admit this to even myself but I have anger issues. Huge anger issues. 

 I grew up within an angry household. There was much arguing - terrible, explosive anger was exhibited that often came with little provocation but had been held in for so long long that when it did eventually reach the surface, man was it poisonous and vitriolic. I have witnessed fists and feet being kicked through doors, plates and ornaments flung across the room but the real cause of the harm I carried through life was the words said in anger. As a young child I took everything in and took them very personally. My mum telling me that "one day you will come home (from school) and I won't be here, you won't see me again", "no-one would miss me if I killed myself" etc. It still pains me to think about it. 

For many years I guess I haven't really had to think about how this display of anger affected me until quite recently. 

   My daughter does not only mean the world to me but she is my whole world. She is like me in more ways than one; 

She looks like me, brown hair, dark, eyes, long face

She already shows a great passion for books and reading

She's very strong willed

Fiercely Independent

   From birth she wanted to be held a lot and didn't like to be put down. Once I accepted this we enjoyed a great deal of physical contact and this has remained. From about seven weeks I managed to get her in such a good routine that she became a relatively easy baby, she slept through the night and had two decent sized naps during the day which meant that I did have time for the household chores and some time for 'me'.

  From the age of 18months she really started to develop a strong-willed personality, she already knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it. Getting dressed was always an issue, she spent one summer pratically in wellies and a nappy and I indulged her in this because it was ok with me for her to express herslef this way. The tantrums were gleefully short and easily distracted or diverted.

   Then she hit the real 'terrrible two's'. Oh my, if I thought those days of nappy and welly wearing were difficult then I sure was unprepared for the full on hysterical, unconsolable crying for up to an hour. The outright flinging herself on the floor in a rage. Then there is of course the fact that simply getting breakfast can result in an ongoing battle if the wrong colour bowl is chosen!

   I have had moments when I have felt overwhelmed. Today was one of those days. Controlling my anger is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. However, I recently sought help because I was afraid that my anger would spill out and damage the relationship I have with my daughter. It was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. I felt I had to do this because there had been a couple of occassions where I felt like I could very easily lose control - I shouted at my daughter in an aggressive manner and seeing the look of confusion, hurt and fear on her face was enough for me to want to change. I have to change - there are no if's and but's. 

   Today I did something in front of my daughter that I hadn't done before. Usually if she has a tantrum about something minor I can distract or turn a negative into a positive or use a distraction to move her away from the source of her frustration. Today was a day when she just seemed to whinge about everything and nothing. By tea time the reserves of my patience were wearing thin and I was feeling the little bubbles of anger rising ever closer to the surface. I just simply wanted to get on with the business of eating my tea. But little one wasn't finished, "I want a red cup" - get red cup, "no I want a blue cup", back to the cupboard for blue cup, "I want a straw" - got her a straw, sat down, just as I'm about to put the first mouthful of food in my mouth ... "no, I want blue straw" - launches into full crying. By which time my anger was about at spitting, vitriolic mad height. So I did this;

1. I closed my eyes

2. I counted to ten out loud very slowly and calmly  (half way through she stopped crying)

3. I put my hands together and bowed my head 

4. I prayed:

Dear Lord

   Remind me that I can learn to overcome every challenging situation today by putting on the shoes of peace and displaying an even temper. 

Remind me to show kindness.

Give me more ability to receive your love and give it away to others today.

Amen

   When I opened my eyes it was as though a small miracle had taken place. Bella just picked up her fork, tucked right into her dinner, was good humoured and the cup/straw frustration was no matter at all. I felt calm, I had just managed to spend a few moments in the glory of Christ and the anger had completely dissipated. Our tea time ended in harmony and there were no more issues for the rest of the evening.

   I know that I will have other moments when the anger rises again and this technique may not work so effecively next time. But for me it was definitely a step in the right direction towards learning to control those feelings.

   

Masterpiece

                 

     I used to find it difficult to think of myself as a masterpiece, as flawed as I am. There are lots of things I dislike about myself and wish I could change. Over the years I've agonised over wanting to be prettier, or less serious, more confident, more like so and so ... etc. For me confidence did come with age and experience of life and different circumstances, it is a lot easier now for me to accept that I have made many mistakes in life, I AM learning from them. I try to be a better person everyday, more patient with my daughter, more open with people, to consciously love and have more fun and to let God in my life more because that is when I feel at my happiest and most fulfilled.

   I felt from a very early age that God's plan for me was to be a Mother - I can't explain how or why I know that. Since I was very young I have had a maternal instinct and this lead me to work in the childcare profession for a long time. It seemed at one point that I was destined to look after other other people's children but secretly I repressed and tried to dampen down my own desires.

    

    Motherhood is to me the greatest gift. I feel incredibly blessed and privileged to have given life and to nurture and love wholeheatedly and unconditionally a child I wanted so badly I would do anything and would fight for without question. So how would I feel if my daughter turned around one day and told me that she didn't feel good about herself, or loved, or felt unworthy of my love? I would feel destroyed, I would blame myself, I would be broken and I would want to take her in my arms and do everything it took to turn that around.

   This is how God feels about us because he created us exactly the way we are. He made YOU with a purpose to fulfil that means YOU are not just wanted; you're needed. You are created to display God's handiwork in and through you. 

   I am going to try harder to remember to say everyday "I am God's Masterpiece" and to tell my daughter that she "is a Matserpiece" too. Much of this blog is about trying to raise my daughter in the Christian faith and as yet I am really unsure how to do that. It is all a learning curve. The happiest periods of my life have been when I have opened my heart to God and I still get emotional and cry when I am worshipping and in the presence of God. I can't seem to help the tears flowing when I think of how loved I am in spite of all my flaws, imperfections and mistakes. Its over-whelming.

Leap of Faith Introductions

   Once upon a time there was a woman who waited what seemed her entire life to meet 'the one' she had always dreamed of. Life went on for a very long time, the woman began to travel in the hopes that she may have bumped into 'the one' whilst out and about on great adventures. Life was great. The woman had fun. Now and again she even forgot about looking for 'the one' and decided that she was rather happy on her own, ambling through life, doing whatever she pleased.

   One day, at the most unlikliest of times, the woman finally did bump into 'the one' although she didn't know it at the time. Actually, things moved way too fast for this woman who wasn't sure whether she was ready - even though she had spent her whole life waiting for this moment. There were a few hiccups, emotionally the woman was just in a rather difficult time in her life but despite this she decided to go with this strange, unusual feelings of love, never experienced before and blew caution to the wind.

   Quite unexpectedly woman ended up moving in with 'the one' within only three months of knowing him. Roll on another 10 months and woman was wearing a rather expensive diamond having been proposed to on a weekend in Paris. It was rather beautiful, surreal and absolutely wonderful.

   Time ticked along for a good few years, woman started to get broody and yearned to cement the relationship by getting married. The yearning for children, which had beed suppressed for many years was just growing stronger and stronger. Everyday was hard because 'the one' became rather obsessed with pushing he woman to being a super-duper business woman which was not really her thing!

   The wedding did take place and to cut a rather long story short there were the typical ups and downs within marriage but the downs became more and more frequent. 'The one' became sick and rejected the woman completely, he completely shut down from her. I can't tell you the amount of nights the woman cried and cried herself to sleep, not knowing how to help, not knowing what to say or do to make a difference. All thoughts of starting a family were put on hold again. Starting a family was beginning to feel like it was never going to happen and this filled the womans heart with a grief and pain that was so intense she thought she would prefer to not wake up in the morning and carry that burden all day.

   For many, many months the woman tiptoed on egg-shells around the house she loved so much. 'The one' was a changed person, bitter, angry, mean and cruel. Woman felt like she could do nothing because this was all part of the illness and she was prepared to wait how ever long it took for him to get better.

   Some of 'the one's' behaviour changed so much that woman became suspicious and felt that something was not right. Womans instincts proved correct and she found herself being faced with lots of lies and deceit and wrongfully blamed for the relationship having failed. There was another woman involved, but that too was my fault, 'the ones' illness was apparently my fault too!

   Here is when I get to the crux of my blog title really so please, please hang on in there .... . 'The one' left the home but came back the next day to say how much he loved the woman and did not want to lose her. He said this but still moved out. There was again many ups and downs and sorry's said and blah de blahs, the woman was still being spun lots of tales that made her feel uneasy and anxious.

   The woman came to accept that despite best intentions and trying to hang on for dear life the marriage could not be saved.

   In some ways -  the woman can not really explain this without sounding harsh - the marriage ending was a great relief, it was almost as though a monumental weight had been lifted. Don't get me wrong though there was still much hurt, and physical pain but none that compared to the earlier days when 'the one' had first become ill and the marriage was already under great strain.

   It was very difficult at this time for the woman. She felt that not only had she lost her marriage and a man she loved, but with this came the loss of the family she though she would have one day with this man. The grief of this was often far too great to cope with. The woman was done wih crying for the man, but those babies she thought she may have had one day soon were gone, it was all a dream and nothing more. This made the woman feel like her heart was broken in two and that she would never recover from this pain. The woman felt that she would be better off  ... gone. She climbed into the loft with bad intentions and cried like she had never cried before, overwhelming tears of grief and sadness.

   Through the sadness, sitting all alone in a dark loft the woman felt a breath of stillness and calmed. Right there, in that sadness the woman felt an overwhelming presence. She felt like God was right there in that loft with her, with his arms around her, gently unburderning her - taking some of that pain. An image began to form in the womans head, it was a picture of a little girl, with dark hair, in pig-tails - she was holding hands with a man. No word of a lie - (and the woman had not been drinking or under illicit drug use, the woman has never ever in her life even smoked a cigarette) the woman heard God tell her that he had a little girl that was "waiting to come to you", the voice was very clear "she's here" he told her "she's ready for you". That day the woman knew what she must do, She decided that she simply had to take a huge leap of faith. She decided to trust in the Lord with her whole heart. She climbed down from that loft a changed person. God had saved her.

   Without getting into too many specifics. I will leave it to you to theorise for yourselves. That was January 2012. In April of that year the woman, became the happiest woman in the entire universe - she wanted to shout, no scream out loud because at the age of 40 she had conceived a baby.

   All through pregnancy the woman radiated peace and inner calm, pure joy and happiness. She was of course a little anxious about the conscious decision to have a child and to raise the child without a father. But she knew in her heart that God would help her find a way to rise above these challenges with faith, hope and love.

   All through pregnancy the woman referred to her little bundle as Jelly Bean (JB for short). Every night she sang to the growing baby, imagining holding the child, gazing lovingly into the eyes of a child born of her flesh and blood. Every day felt like a miracle. Every day was joyous and every day the woman took the time to thank God for this amazing opportunity and experience to finally have the very thing the woman had dreamed of her whole entire life. A child. Motherhood.
 

Baby Bella was born in early January 2013. Woman was overwhelmed with happiness and also fear and worry at this tiny being that was placed in her arms. From the very first moment there was no doubt that she was mine.

These are the things I know to be true:
1. I had a personal experience with God that changed me
2. I was saved
3. I took a leap of faith.
Her name is Bella and she is the greatest thing I have ever created. Our journey began xx